Meeting your partner's family for the first time

Meeting your partner's family for the first time is nerve-racking in any language. When you share no language with them at all, there's an extra worry: how do you make a good first impression through a phone? The honest answer is that the phone can carry the words, but the first impression is still yours. What follows is about getting the phone out of the way so that it can do its job while you do yours.

Later meals and visits are a different thing, and we cover them in our guide to talking with your partner's family. This one is only about the first hour, when everyone is still working out who you are.

Set the phone up before you walk in

Open Nualingo in your phone's browser before you arrive and choose your two languages. Each one appears in its own script, so your partner can check the family's language is the right one. Nobody wants to start the first meeting scrolling through a list of 60 languages while a plate of food goes cold.

Have a short practice exchange with your partner on the way. You'll both know what the screen looks like, how the voice sounds and what happens when someone pauses. That way the first time you see it work isn't in front of their parents.

Where to put the phone

Put it flat on the table, speaker on, between you and the person you'll talk to most. Usually that's a parent. Don't hold it up. A phone held at face height looks as though you're filming, and it puts a screen between your face and theirs.

If you're sitting opposite each other, switch on the across-the-table view in the settings. It turns the far half of the screen round to face the other person, in their language, so they can read their captions the right way up without leaning over. On a sofa, side by side, the ordinary list view works better; hold the phone between you and you can both read it.

Phones stop listening when the screen locks. Before you start, set the screen to stay on for longer in your phone's settings, and if it does lock, the conversation pauses and you tap Resume.

Say your first words without it

The greeting at the door should come from you, in their language, in your own voice. Get it a little wrong if you must. A phone can translate hello, but it can't make the effort for you, and the effort is what people remember.

Then let the first sentence through the phone be an easy one. Something like 'Thank you for having me, I've heard so much about you' works well: it's short, warm, and everyone knows roughly how to answer it. Say it, then pause. A simple first exchange lets the family see how it works on something that doesn't matter much. Save the jokes for later; humour is where translation most often falls flat.

Explaining the AI voice

Before the first word, Nualingo shows a short notice in both your languages. It says the phone is interpreting with an AI voice, that spoken words become text and go to a translation service, whether the conversation is being kept, and that pressing Stop ends it. Turn the phone so they can read their half. It explains the facts in their own words, which is better than you trying to explain it through the very thing you're explaining.

The notice can't make a talking phone feel normal, though. For someone who has never heard a synthetic voice, being answered by a phone can be odd, even a little rude-seeming. A sentence from your partner helps: this is a computer voice reading what I say, not a person listening in. Saving is off unless you chose it before you started, and the notice says which, so nobody has to wonder whether they're being recorded.

Let your partner lead the introductions

Your partner knows who's who, who gets greeted first, and what each person is called in the family. Let them make the introductions in their own language, without the phone, and then hand over. Family titles and forms of address are fiddly for any machine, and getting an aunt's title wrong is not the start you want.

Agree beforehand on a small signal for when you're lost, so your partner can step in without anyone noticing a problem.

Pick a pace, and know what not to lean on

Pace sets how long Nualingo waits after someone stops talking before it translates. Quick translates soon after a short pause, but may cut in while someone stops to think. Balanced waits for a natural pause and suits most conversations. Patient waits longer: fewer interruptions, a little more waiting. Older relatives often choose their words carefully at a first meeting, so Patient is a sensible place to start. If the voice feels hurried for them, you can also set it to read more slowly.

Then keep a few things away from the phone:

• Names, places, times and numbers. Check anything you'll act on, like where to meet tomorrow, with your partner.
• Teasing and wordplay. They often come through flat or strange.
• The serious talks. Plans, money and anything official deserve your partner, or for medical, legal or official matters a professional interpreter. Nualingo can make mistakes.
• Reading the room. It translates words, not the look that passes between two parents.

Set up before you go, phone flat, greeting in your own voice, partner on introductions. If you want to see how it feels first, try the three free minutes with your partner tonight.

Nualingo can make mistakes. For medical, legal or official matters, use a professional interpreter.